I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
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Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
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Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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