You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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