batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dick very happy bro
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
