Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
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It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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