Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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