It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
