and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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