Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
