I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.