you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am midnight drunk by noon
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.