sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
This toilet bowl is my home.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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