i may or may not be watching the land before time
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
