Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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