btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
