how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
