90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
They took my balls.
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i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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