He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
