I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
