your parents love me but you hate me
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
