I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
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you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize