handjob tips. give me some.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
