so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
