I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
