That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
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You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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