1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
