Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
