why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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