mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
