new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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