It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
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At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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