my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
