he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
