why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
