i just had sex bonerless
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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