I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
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there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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