He uses pillows to masturbate.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
