For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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