Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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