You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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