I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
