All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
