She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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