did you get engaged???
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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