rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
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Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
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I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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