Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Plan B is the new Plan A
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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