the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
