i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I want her autograph on my taint
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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