Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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