i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
