I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
