Please, let me fuck your mom
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
