enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You did what with his pubic hair?
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