smell my finger.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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