Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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