do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
