I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
